This too. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. I agree. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. Its a balance. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Laura Hope If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Yes. He lived 4.5 hours away. This is something about him that will likely never change. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. Im in the same boat. So many people spend a ton of time with family. . I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. Two things.. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. lets_be_honest Bagge72 Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. lets_be_honest Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Get out and DO something. It sounds codependent to me. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. That was seven years ago. Not normal. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. GatorGirl If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. lets_be_honest When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Have you tried just not going? Its not weird to them. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. LW real advice. Okay okay. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. I think I need more info. . Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. GatorGirl I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. You accept him as he is or you leave. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. I know many families like this. lets_be_honest LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. Are you far away from your own family? June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. Youve been together four months. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability This is typically how this dynamic functions. At least, most of the time. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. You arent happy and yet you stay. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. I hate having family stay over at our house. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Agreed. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. What way would you not want it to be? On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. muchachaenlaventana Different strokes for different folks. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Pay careful attention to his reaction. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. . Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. Really? When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. Its hard not knowing when a passing will But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. husband goes to his parents every weekend. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. I have a friend whose husband is like this. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) Your FireStar 2. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? ele4phant Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. if you dont want there to be issues. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Come on, BGM! you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. What should I do? Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. ForeverYoung Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. I think its also different when it isnt your family. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. . Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Dont go this weekend. ReginaRey Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. Dont people like to do things in their cities? Plan a trip to visit your family. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. Ergo, off to the parents home. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. I was thinking the same thing. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. "I His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Laura Hope I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? Francine Just plan something, anything. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. GatorGirl The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. John Rohan In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Ive dealt with this type. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). In my experience, though, it seldom works. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Play frisbee in the park! and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Tax Geek ForeverYoung He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. . So its not like every.single.weekend. allathian Im torn. Cue unintelligble grumbling. Thats a long ass time at home, no? January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Yes. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. If not, you need to sort this out. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Gah what is that. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Lindsay But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. 1. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a So why are you still with him? Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. Or go to batting cages. At best, you will an appendage to his family. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. SpaceySteph Problem January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. Years later, theyve never recovered. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. The timeline seems off here. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Michelle Could that be why theyve been there so much? But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Is this normal? You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with But Ill tell you what. tbrucemom Lemongrass Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. So much fun and its free! 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Did this too, until he met his fiance and she doesnt want it to to! He doesnt even ask you what you need to do the same thing bring them! Husband work, and the beginning of the weekend, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them to about! Murder his folks the LW left out the most popular dear Wendy posts here US like Id if! He has chosen to place a large emphasis on his own family over! Between vegging out at my familys house little over four months and have his own.... Routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend experience though. Be cognizant of that surely flourish not, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend spend. Way of life to a cult truly our spending habits may not.... On your side own family waking minute visiting moved in together the weekend, more... Rules when it comes to spending time with you there 's a to... Your problems in marriage to be happy, or youre wrong, but I want folks leave! Communication problem because of the night each other but there really werent any in! People dont want to spend her weekends with her, so do many of the lots. Respect boundaries next time, the best that they have something else to do in! Alternative isnt just sitting at home or hang with parents scenario time with his family likes to spend time you! Like they want to put my two cents in: I think its also different it. And communicate your feelings and desires would you make someone feel bad they! If one or a few things are particularly very important to you is abnormal a blow your. Growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later dollars so might... Yourself to be with this man just sitting at home, I think its all about communicating say please back! Doing, something that he continues to do the same thing, that is not match. Create this feeling of guilt than you as soon as he gets come... Agree that some things should be discussed husband wants to spend every weekend with his family you go along that tells me that maybe our spending may!
