Whether you're doing the ignoring or being ignored, forget about anger, forget about your ego, and just apologize. In a nutshell, intermittent reinforcement is a form of torture: its manipulation by way of withholding. This can be for any number of reasons they may be attempting to punish you for something, or it may be a totally selfish reason in which the narcissist hasnt even considered the possibility that youd be bothered by their absence. It is not to punish anyone. (Prefer to watch/listen? Lets move on and talk about the third pillar of silence relating to breakups. One is an act of self-protection & self-preservation and the other an act of punishment & manipulation. In both the silent treatment and in ghosting, the narcissist ignores us and/or doesnt respond when we try to reach out to them. They withhold communication, affection, and anything else they can until they feel you have learned the lesson they are teaching. During my years in college, I had picked up a bit of the country twang that people in my college town all seemed to have. Alas, I do not believe in manipulating partners for business or pleasure. You know they have a freaking map to every button youve got and they wont hesitate to push them. October 2014 I think you and I both know the answer to that one. See video on YouTube!). The intent behind going No Contact vs. using the silent treatment and ghosting is all in the drivers and the outcomes. Hed always talk in sort of an accusatory way and even if he didnt directly accuse me of something, it always felt like he did. To a narcissist, there's absolutely no difference between a silent treatment and a little dose of no contact and, hell, he knows all about the dynamics of a silent treatment. Understand the difference between Not know and Silent treatment. You are completely empowered by refusing to acknowledge him and he's going to get frustrated by not receiving a response. It is the personal relations equivalent of a nuclear winter. If you really wanna break NC, wish your ex birthday on You dont deserve someone who comes back, you deserve We broke up three months ago after the last time I spoke Dumpers, When did you start to regret your decision? I always thought the difference between the silent treatment and NC is that the former, the person can be right next to you but they refuse to talk to you verbally, but their body language can speak volumes. September 2018 Ghosting is basically exactly what it sounds like the narcissist disappears on you without a word. Being on the other side of either behavior is very unpleasant, hurtful, and can spike your own flooding. This can be drama-related or it can be an attempt to reconcile the relationship or to get you to break no contact. After being back for six months or so, I called it one day and totally freaked out I sounded completely weird to myself. It is the personal relations equivalent of a nuclear winter. NC is something done when one realizes they are in a toxic unhealthy R when used for our purposes here. So, if you implement a no contact rule with the sole intent of making your avoidant ex miss you then what you are really doing is two things. In case youre new around here, gaslighting is a pervasive and highly-effective tactic the narcissist uses to manipulate you into doubting your own reality, not trusting yourself and your perceptions, and questioning your own sanity. Summary. Weve been blessed over the years with a lot of success stories and were finding that in well over 70% of our successes some version of no contact has been used. It is often just one component in a pattern of emotional abuse. Like it or not, the narcissist has an almost druglike effect on us after all of the years of the trauma theyve put us through in fact, research shows the same part of our brain is affected by them as is affected by drugs. We know that one of the biggest red flags of a toxic narcissist is that they refuse to take responsibility for anything other than positive things they (or others) do. Or make you submit to their will. I cant tell you how often Ill argue to my clients that they need to find a purpose greater than their ex. Hoovering is what we call it when the narcissist tries to suck you back in after the discard. That brings me to my next point. No Contact, The Silent Treatment and Ghosting: What's the Difference. You stop seeing, speaking to, and interacting with the narcissist. If the silent treatment is a form of narcissistic abuse, does going no contact make you a narcissist? Estrangement, on. Anything that might be seen in a negative light or that doesnt portray them as the vision of perfection they have for themselves? Theyre trying to get you to do (or not do) something. The silent treatment is passive-aggressive and abusive, while no contact is really less about the narcissist and more about you. October 2017 The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of communication. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves. First, lets quickly define the silent treatment, ghosting, and no contact. Without a doubt these are the three pillars of silence you see thrown around a lot in the breakup community. Its understandable but is a recipe for disaster. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. However, it can be very tricky to define what each one is since the lines tend to blur a bit. October 2015 May 2015 Another difference between no contact and the narcissists ghosting or silent treatment is that no contact is that one of the first steps to resolving the trauma bond developed during your toxic relationship with the narcissist. March 2020 So, as far as my mind goes when looking at the differences between the three pillars of silence we need to look at the intent, circumstances and timing of each one to gain a better perspective. Again, the narcissist is often trying to get something from you when they give you the silent treatment. But that's pretty much where the similarities end. 1. NC is not the same as the silent treatment. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN NO-CONTACT, SILENT TREATMENT, AND GHOSTING ARE? what was the purpose of this? Well, they feel a strange kind of validation and satisfaction. How can you be sure youre not the narcissist in all of this? Still not sure? 5. Remember, they have a lack of empathy, so it makes sense that they wouldnt consider your feelings. Well, look at this logically for a moment: when we spend a lot of time with someone, we naturally tend to pick up certain habits and speech patterns from them. But thats pretty much where the similarities end. So, if the narcissist can insert even a small amount of doubt into your head about the fact that they are the reason that your relationship would ultimately fail? 2. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online. The silent treatment is a temporary discard. QueenBeeing.com is a BlissFireMedia, LLC Production But first, remember to stay calm. Lets start with whats similar. September 2017 You dont have an ulterior motive that involves them at all youre just trying to get away from them so you can have the space you need to heal. That is all. Imagine for a moment that you only get one word responses whenever you text them now. Another option is to let the narcissist know that them being silent is not a responsible way to deal with their pain. November 2015 1. The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising - literally. Or theyre trying to put you in your place. Ghosting is basically exactly what it sounds like the narcissist disappears on you without a word. Have you ever worried that you might be the narcissist? She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. In ghosting, the narcissist might reappear at any given time, ready to consume more of that narcissistic supply they so desperately need. You are neither an untalented parent nor a juvenile lover out for a short term "improvement" with no basis in sincerity. We are so different from narcissists. You are not causing someone to suffer the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a manipulative tactic designed to control another person's behavior with silence. The silent treatment and stonewalling can have actual effects on the brain. We feel deeply and we arent bullies. December 2018 I had to go No Contact with my emotionally abusive, covert narcissistic husband of 30 years during the pandemic. Yet the trauma remains untouched and will continue to plague their relationships throughout their lives unless they eventually address the problem. Your email address will not be published. Please delete last postdidnt know it would be public. You stop seeing, speaking to, and interacting with the narcissist. What You Get Out of It Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinsons previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. How to Deal with the Silent Treatment. Family gets him fans brings him to the west coast and he cuts off communication. We feel deeply and we arent bullies. Specifically, he knows that a silent treatment doesn't last forever and, therefore, the same rule must apply to the No Contact Rule. In your case, it seems that you are in NC because you want to move on, not because you are trying to punish your ex. With the no contact rule you are ideally supposed to use the time away from your ex to work on redefining your purpose. ST is designed to get a reaction out of you as Used clearly described to you. But while most narcissists have also suffered some form of trauma, usually in childhood, their reasons for giving you the silent treatment or ghosting you are usually not directly related to it (but it can be indirectly related since their impulsiveness and lack of empathy probably stem from their reaction to that trauma). Will he realise that hes made a mistake? The silent treatment is meant to gain control over you, the relationship or the situation. Like it or not, the narcissist has an almost druglike effect on us after all of the years of the trauma theyve put us through in fact, research shows the same part of our brain is affected by them as is affected by drugs. Give Your Partner Space to Think. Often, this is the result of a narcissistic injury. If you are going no contact in order to punish someone, then ye. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. But what if the person you believe is a narcissist turns the tables on you and tells you that you are in fact the narcissist, and not them? Their logic seems to go like this: Well, you said that the silent treatment or ghosting is narcissistic abuse. In other words, even when they are doing no contact they are literally thinking only about that ex. We have been there and we can help you heal. Narcissistic fleas are just little behaviors and habits that victims pick up from narcissists, such as verbal bullying, coldness, or an apparent lack of empathy. One day they are there the next they arent. People who use the silent treatment may even refuse to acknowledge the presence of the other person. How do you know youre not just justifying your behavior by telling yourself that youre going no contact, but secretly youre just ghosting a perfectly nice person? Silent treatment from the narcissist is meant for you to "learn a lesson" and realize how wrong you were to the narcissist. Did you know that over 80% of my clients who try the no contact rule will fail it the first time? The differences between the silent treatment, ghosting and no contact go much deeper and are significant. So what are the similarities and differences here? After being back for six months or so, I called it one day and totally freaked out I sounded completely weird to myself. 3. October 2016 They are as starkly contrasted as night & day. I suppose that was the intention of the last communication from my ex - to plant in my mind the notion that the undoing of our relationship is somehow my doing, that we still have a connection left to sever or salvage at will. Well, they feel a strange kind of validation and satisfaction. March 2019 As I mentioned earlier, in all three cases, one person intentionally avoids the other person. In both the silent treatment and in ghosting, the narcissist ignores us and/or doesnt respond when we try to reach out to them. The silent treatment is passive-aggressive and abusive, while no contact is really less about the narcissist and more about you. Hed always talk in sort of an accusatory way and even if he didnt directly accuse me of something, it always felt like he did. The stuff that narcissists need to keep going. You arent talking to me and wont see me, so you must be the narcissist. Ghosting is the dark twin to that phenomenon except instead of anxious tendencies taking over its the avoidant tendencies. The silent treatment is a punishment designed to evoke an emotional reaction in someone. August 2015 And even if they do, they are unlikely to be bothered by your feelings. Their logic seems to go like this: Well, you said that the silent treatment or ghosting is narcissistic abuse. This allows you to clear your life of the negative energy they bring into every room. The silent treatment is a refusal to communicate verbally with another person. Someone who does this is not coming from a healthy communicative place. June 2019 And, on a slightly more relevant note, when my ex-husband would be in the wrong mood, hed take sort of a bullying tone with communication. Take this test and find out now. I love a good walk and talk. So how do you know youre not the narcissist? There will never be closure with an extreme narcissist, only pain when there is contact. We believe that its the only pillar of silence that promotes self care. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. This can be drama-related or it can be an attempt to reconcile the relationship or to get you to break no contact. It is not a move meant to hurt them or get revenge on them. At least that's my attitude towards it. Stonewalling and the silent treatment can look very similar. But just to make it perfectly clear, let me fill you in. What do you call it after a 20 yr marriage? The silent treatment often occurs between people who live together or see each other regularly. It involves removing yourself from the narcissists life. This distinction is so important. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. ~Sahara Sanders If you have ever dealt with a Did you know that the scapegoat in the family is often the first to see the truth about what's happening in the family? Of course, your partner doesn't know that because you won't tell them. I declined her Press J to jump to the feed. Remember, they have a lack of empathy, so it makes sense that they wouldnt consider your feelings. "You could be a really great and fabulous person, but if your method of communication with a woman doesn't trigger her physical attraction by "pushing the right buttons," you will only ever be "just a friend" in her eyes." Today were going to look at the main differences between the no contact rule and ghosting. I suppose my question is.. do I have a chance of him coming back to me if we do split up? If you are a narcissist, you wouldve answered no to number one and you would have varied answers to number two. Alternatives to the Silent Treatment. Hoovering is what we call it when the narcissist tries to suck you back in after the discard. Or, in some cases, they simply just dont care or dont think about how their behavior would make you feel. The problem with techniques like ghosting or the silent treatment is that if you use them on your partner you are simply giving in to your anxious or avoidant side and thats ultimately not attractive. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. Were still together but I just asked him for the first time to give me some space so I have some time to think about whats just happened and then when Im ready Ill contact him to have the discussion. Silent Treatment, Ghosting, and No Contact: Telling It Like It Is "Don't let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." Dalai Lama Time and again people are confusing the concepts of. April 2015 And second, in addition to projecting their own bad behavior and qualities on to you, the narcissist is, in a way, gaslighting you with this kind of accusation. Often, codependents feel responsible for everything that goes wrong in their relationships, and this is often a result of the fact that toxic people over the course of their lives have conditioned them to feel this way. May 2016 No-contact from you, however, is not a lesson for the narcissist. I feel that when I do contact him again and meet up for the discussion that he basically will end it there as he isnt the type to do it over text and my stuff is at his. No Contact vs. Ghosting and Silent Treatment. Further communication is deemed inappropriate or ineffective. Think youre dealing with trauma bonding? Refresh the page, check Medium 's site. The biggest mistake I see my clients continually making is that they make their entire lives about their exes. So what differentiates no contact from the silent treatment and ghosting? The silent treatment is a tactic I've never used. While it is essential for a person to get treated under the expertise of a certified . As I mentioned, narcissists give you the silent treatment because they want to punish you for something they think youve done wrong. There is no explanation. And, in all cases, the end of contact can be done without a word to the other person involved. Required fields are marked *. When this happens, the person on the receiving end of the silent treatment must continue to wrestle with their pain and disappointment alone. We are so different from narcissists. August 2017 As I mentioned earlier, in all three cases, one person intentionally avoids the other person. It involves refusing to speak with someone blocking their phone number blocking them on social media ignoring them in person avoiding any interaction with them abruptly disappearing from their life with no explanation. But how could this be? We broke up months ago. Whereas, using No Contact after an argument means taking control over the situation. As I mentioned, narcissists give you the silent treatment because they want to punish you for something they think youve done wrong. The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back, The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide), What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means, Heres Exactly What Hes Thinking During The No Contact Rule, What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You, How To Cope With Your Ex Finding Someone New, Why Do Guys Act Like They Dont Care After A Breakup, Forget The Breakup Spellcasters, Heres What Actually Works, Using The Power Of Silence After A Breakup, How Attachment Styles Can Help You Get An Ex Back, How To Get Him Back If He Has A Girlfriend, How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back With Social Media, Mistakes Women Make When Trying To Get Their Exes Back, Using Text Messages To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back, What Your Ex Says Vs. What They Really Mean.

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